Overcoming Phobias

Have you ever avoided something that made you feel anxious, even if you knew it wasn’t truly dangerous? Have you experienced the physical fear in your chest or stomach, the rush of panic, the racing heart? It might not make logical sense, but the feeling and the reaction are very real. And for so many of us, that fear becomes something we start to shape our lives around.

That’s what happens with phobias. And they are far more common than people realise.

This week, I was invited to the BBC Studios to speak about facing adversity and how phobias can be overcome.

So let’s start by understanding why phobias show up, how they connect to anxiety, my own experience of severe phobias and how we can gently start to move through them.

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What is a Phobia?

A phobia is more than just a fear. It’s a physical and emotional reaction that feels disproportionate to the situation and often results in avoidance behaviour. The person who suffers from a phobia usually knows the fear is excessive, and yet still finds it hard to take back control.

Our brain is wired to protect us from danger, but sometimes it recognises something as dangerous when it actually isn’t.

We often hear about the classic phobias, like fear of spiders or heights, but there are many others that are rooted in anxious thinking. Fear of public speaking, fear of being sick, fear of being trapped, fear of medical procedures, fear of driving, even fear of being judged or the fear of failure.

The fear of snakes, spiders and heights could be considered logical, after all, some spiders and snakes could actually kill us, and we could fall to our death from a great height. Having this fear would have saved many lives. However, many countries do not have dangerous animals, and many people fear heights even when they are safe behind a window. While we logically know we won't fall, our bodies don’t always agree that we are safe.

Fear of public speaking relates to the fear of embarrassing ourselves in front of others. We also fear judgment from others. From an evolutionary perspective, we are tribal creatures, and if we were kicked out of the tribe, it would have ultimately led to our demise. We were unable to cook, hunt, sleep, and keep the campfire burning all on our own.

We have not evolved past this fear, which is why it can be absolutely crushing to fall out with a friendship group, or feel judged or embarrassed.

What Do All Phobias Have in Common?

Phobias activate the nervous system and trigger the anxious fight or flight response, and sometimes panic attacks too. That anxious feeling in our chest or stomach is our body trying to protect us, however, sometimes, it misreads the situation.

I grew up very anxious and was fearful of many things, including mice, heights and speaking in front of others. I knew why I was fearful of heights – climbing up the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a young child. Back then, there were not the safety precautions that are in place now, and there was no barrier. I was frightened I would fall off and die, due to the lean of the tower. I also knew why I was petrified of speaking in front of others. Like so many others, I had a horrific experience speaking at the front of the classroom at school, age of 11. The teacher and my classmates ridiculed me, and this triggered my first panic attack.

But the mouse phobia? I had no idea what triggered it. It was really bad though. I once tried to get off a moving train on my commute to the office and had to be held down by other passengers. Just because I saw a picture of a mouse in a magazine I was reading. I also ran out in front of a car when I saw something on the pavement move quickly.

The thing with phobias is that what I saw may have been a bird, or even a leaf blowing across my path. It is actually irrelevant because that sudden movement created so much fear in me that my body reacted with the usual hysteria and panic.

I had no idea when this phobia started and couldn’t remember a time without it. No one was even allowed to say the word in front of me as it triggered a full-blown panic attack.

When I had an extension on my home, the most important factor for the builders to know was that there must be NO opportunity for any small creatures to get into my home, ever. Then one day, my biggest nightmare happened.

I had bought some chocolate Easter Eggs as gifts and had placed them on the floor, ready to deliver them the next day. When I got up the following morning, I could see that the plastic bag they were in had started to disintegrate. I looked closer and could see that the cardboard box and the plastic that protected the egg had been eaten. I started screaming hysterically. My daughter woke up and started screaming too. She was only five years old, and I had scared her. She was crying, not knowing what had happened. Luckily, I had my phone in my hand. We ran out of the house, still in our pjs, and I called my Dad to come and rescue us.

We didn’t go back into the house for over a week. I literally only had my phone on me, and we moved into my parents' home whilst the mouse was eradicated. That was the day I passed my own irrational fear onto my daughter, and I knew I couldn’t continue living with this fear.

 

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Phobias and the Nervous System

Many people think of phobias as irrational fears, and they are to some degree. But in reality, they are a sign that our sympathetic nervous system is stuck in protection mode. Something in our environment or our conscious or unconscious memory is being interpreted as dangerous even if it isn’t. Our body then responds automatically with the symptoms of fight or flight: fast breathing, racing heart, muscle tension and often a need to escape. This is what happens when we are anxious.

Our brain learns to associate that particular trigger with a risk or danger. Often, this comes from a frightening or overwhelming past experience. Other times, it might be something you witnessed or developed during a stressful period in your life. Phobias can even be passed down through the generations. Just like anxiety, it can be a learnt behaviour that we copied as children, often from a parent.

Once our nervous system learns that pattern response, it repeats it, until we teach it to respond differently.

I knew my own fear was completely irrational, and still, I couldn’t help my reaction. Being told mice were not going to hurt me, or that they were more scared of me than I was of them, made absolutely no difference at all. And the thought of facing my fear was too petrifying to consider.

The Emotional Impact of Phobias

Living with a phobia can feel absolutely exhausting. Many people, including myself, experience shame and embarrassment about their fears, especially when those fears are not well understood by others.

You may find yourself turning down invitations, avoiding certain places, or missing out on important opportunities. Over time, this can lead to isolation, low self-esteem and a growing sense of helplessness.

I loved horses growing up, but my fear of mice meant I was too scared to help out at the stables where I rode, and all my friends spent their spare time, or even to own my own horse.

I spent thirty years in the corporate world and refused to ever present in front of anyone, even my own teams. All because of something that happened when I was eleven years old.

The anxiety grows and fears spiral, not because the situation is becoming more dangerous (although our coping strategies may be), but because our world becomes smaller as we try to stay safe. The more we try to avoid something, the more we signal to our bodies that the trigger really is dangerous, and the more afraid we become.

The phobia often doesn’t just impact the person with the fear, it can have an impact on friends and family too. Seeing me get so hysterical was never nice for anyone, and I know I was a complete embarrassment. It was also scary for others to see me put myself in real danger because of the way I was feeling.

You Don’t Have to “Face Your Fears” to Heal

One of the most unhelpful pieces of advice people are given is to just confront their phobia head on. I can assure you, nobody enjoys living with a phobia. If it were that easy to face our fears, then we would.

And you don’t have to push through fear. You can soothe your way through it.

While exposure therapy can work in many settings, it’s often not the safest or kindest route, especially when anxiety is already very high. This approach would never have worked for me with the mice, however, I did use exposure therapy to overcome my fear of speaking in public, and many clients have used this approach to overcome their fear of driving, fear of germs or fear of eating in public, to name just a few. You can download my free Exposure Ladder workbook by clicking the image below, which contains full instructions on implementing this approach.

An alternative approach that I more commonly use is to work with your nervous system and subconscious, as this helps us get to the root cause of the phobia. We start by teaching the tools to calm the nervous system so the body can feel safe again. We don’t push anyone to do anything they’re not ready for. Instead, we take small, supported steps that build trust, not just in the world, but in yourself. This is the approach I used to finally overcome my fear of mice, and I also use it with clients struggling with PTSD.

When you feel safe on the inside, the outside no longer feels so threatening.

Again, I took a different approach to controlling my fear of heights. When I did a skydive, I used breathwork alongside some of the other techniques that I teach.

Understand Your Why

For all of my phobias, I had to understand my why first. This means knowing why I want to overcome my fear. For me personally, the reason for facing my fears was bigger than me.

I eventually tackled my mouse phobia because I knew I was traumatising my daughter and passing my own fear on to her. This made me feel terribly guilty. I also knew I had to stop, as it was having a severe impact on my life. It wasn’t easy making a phone call to get help, and I only wish I had done it as soon as I recognised my fear, instead of waiting until it had spiralled out of control.

Addressing this fear was life changing for me, and I don’t say that lightly. It led me to leave a successful career and retrain as an anxiety therapist, so I could help others in the same way.

When I addressed my fear of heights, I knew I was being a hypocrite by helping others overcome their fears and not addressing one of my own. It was my clients who motivated me to take action.

I had told myself for years that I was just not good at speaking in public, and to be fair, this was not having any real impact on my life. I did not need to do any Public Speaking, so I could have happily avoided addressing it. And then something terrible happened. My daughter's best friend's brother took his own life, and I knew I needed to do something. He was just 19 and studying at Oxford University. I instinctively knew I had to go into schools and universities to teach as many students as possible what I knew about anxiety.

So, I enrolled in a public speaking course. It was scary, and the first school I spoke at was my old school, and the school my daughter and her friend attended at that time. As I started to deliver my talk to 300 kids, my voice shook, and my legs wobbled. I could feel myself start to sweat, and at the same time, I knew what I had to say was far more important than how I was feeling. 

I now regularly speak at schools, universities, and corporations, giving keynote talks about anxiety and mental well-being. I know I have helped thousands of people, and knowing that far outweighs the discomfort I used to feel.

I now love presenting to others and have even appeared on ITV teaching celebrities to overcome their fear of speaking from the stage.

I only wish I had tackled this fear sooner.

How We Help Clients with Phobias and Anxiety

At Better Your Life, we work with phobias in the same way we work with all forms of anxiety, by understanding the root cause and teaching the techniques to calm the body, support the nervous system and rewire the brain. We use a heart-centred approach because we know we can’t use the same logic that causes anxiety to get us out of it. We focus on the subconscious because we know that everyone has the ability to take back control of their anxiety and fears. Together, we shift the emotional response from anxiety to calm.

Clients often come to us feeling stuck. They’ve tried to “logic” their way out of it or have been told to just get over it. But this isn’t a thinking problem. It’s a nervous system one. We create a space where we can explore what’s really going on underneath the fear, and provide proven techniques for lasting change.

The results? Freedom from anxiety and fear.

That’s the kind of change that lasts.

Are You Struggling with Anxiety or Phobias?

If anxiety has been making your world feel smaller, or if there’s a fear that’s been quietly controlling your life, you are not alone.

Phobias are incredibly common, and they are treatable, without needing to relive past trauma or force yourself into overwhelming situations.

You’re not broken.

You’re not being stupid.

You’re having a very real response that your body has learned, therefore it can be unlearned, and you can teach it something new.

You don’t need to struggle alone. Now is the right time to take back control of your life and free yourself from those anxious thoughts.

If You Need Further Support from an Anxiety Therapist

If you need further support to overcome your anxiety and the accompanying symptoms, a trained Anxiety Therapist can prescribe a personalised plan to help you understand the underlying cause of your anxiety, as well as help develop coping strategies that are focused on your individual needs.

Taking care of your mental wellbeing is an essential part of your overall wellbeing. Left unresolved, anxiety and phobias can spiral out of control and have a significant impact on relationships, work, school and family life.

So if you want to take the next steps to have a happier life where your fears no longer hold you back, click the link below and book a free no obligation consultation call.

Click the button below to arrange a free, no obligation consultation call.

 

Additional Resources to Reduce Anxiety

Read Overcome Fight or Flight

Read What Are The Different Types of Anxiety?

Read Can Bullying Cause Anxiety Disorders

Watch How to Feel Less Anxious

Watch How To Reduce Anxiety Immediately

Watch Breathing Techniques for Anxiety

Download Circle of Control and Influence Workbook

Download Cognitive Distortions Workbook

Download Exposure Ladder Workbook

Phobia FAQs

1. What Is a Phobia?

A phobia is an intense fear of a specific situation, object, or experience. It’s more than just discomfort – it can trigger overwhelming anxiety and lead to avoidance, even when the person knows the fear isn’t logical. Phobias often live in the body as learned nervous system responses.

2. How Are Phobias Different From Everyday Fears?

Every day fears might feel uncomfortable, but they’re usually manageable. A phobia creates a powerful anxiety response that feels hard to control and can impact daily life. People with phobias often go to great lengths to avoid the trigger, which can make the fear stronger over time.

3. What Causes Phobias To Develop?

Phobias often develop after a stressful or traumatic experience, especially during childhood or moments of vulnerability. They can also be learned from others, for example, watching a parent respond with fear. Sometimes, phobias appear without a clear cause but are linked to stored anxiety in the nervous system.

4. Can Adversity In Life Make Phobias Worse?

Yes. When someone has faced repeated adversity, like illness, bullying, loss, or trauma, their nervous system can stay on high alert. This heightened stress response makes it more likely for the brain to tag certain things as unsafe, creating or worsening phobias.

5. How Are Phobias Linked To Anxiety?

Phobias are a type of anxiety. They activate the same fight-or-flight response as other forms of anxiety, but in reaction to a very specific trigger. Over time, the fear of experiencing the phobia itself can lead to generalised anxiety and panic.

6. Do I Need To Know The Root Cause Of My Phobia To Overcome It?

Not always. While understanding the root can help, healing doesn’t require reliving past trauma. The key is helping the body feel safe in the present. Nervous system therapy and calming techniques can help shift the automatic fear response, even without knowing where it began.

7. Can You Actually Recover From A Phobia, Or Is It Just About Managing It?

You can absolutely recover. With the right support, people often move from avoidance and panic to calm and confidence. It’s not just about managing the fear – it’s about rewiring the nervous system so it no longer responds in the same way.

8. What Are Some Common Phobias Related To Anxiety That People Don’t Often Talk About?

Many people struggle with less visible phobias such as fear of being sick (emetophobia), fear of driving, fear of medical procedures, fear of choking, fear of social embarrassment or even fear of having a panic attack itself. These can be isolating and misunderstood, but they are very real and very treatable.

9. Do I Have To “Face My Fear” To Heal A Phobia?

No. While traditional exposure therapy asks people to confront the fear directly, our approach is much gentler. We focus on calming the nervous system first so you feel safe enough to take small, supported steps. You don’t have to overwhelm yourself to create change.

10. Where Can I Start If I Think I Have A Phobia That’s Linked To Anxiety?

A good first step is download our Circle of Control Workbook by clicking on the image below, to start creating a sense of emotional safety. And when you’re ready, one-to-one sessions or our membership community can offer ongoing support and tools for lasting change.